Meet the new CEO of Microsoft
I'm announcing some immediate changes for the company.
As I was looking at my collection of drafts for potential stories for this Substack, I noticed most of them had a common factor: me, complaining about how Microsoft does a particular thing. So rather than boring you with a slew of such posts, I decided to compile it all into one and give it a positive twist. Today, I’m replacing Satya Nadella as CEO of the company. Here’s my plan for a better Microsoft.
First things first
I’ve thought long and hard about where to start. My first change should set the tone for my reign as the big boss, and so I’ve decided to tackle an issue near and dear to my heart: lunch. I am instituting free lunch at the office, something I believe is long overdue. Lunch brings people together – and when people come together, great things happen. Besides, a complimentary sandwich might soothe the pain of some of the other changes I’m announcing today.
Goodbye, PMs.
My second move might encounter some more resistance: I am eliminating about half of the PM positions. Microsoft has way too many of them, especially too many PM managers (For clarity: these are Program Managers who manage other Program Managers. Oh, the irony.) Same thing goes for university-hire PMs – they end up working mostly on made-up projects anyway (more on this in my story “Glorified Traffic Cop”). Microsoft is going to offer these people the option to switch into engineering. As a product-smart engineer, these ex-PMs will be much more valuable to the company. About half of what the PMs at Microsoft spend their time on today can be taken over by the latest AI models – and much of the “work” they do doesn’t really need to be happening, anyway. And on the bright side, the number of meetings will also decrease drastically.
Goodbye, semesters.
This next change I’m personally very excited about, as it was the basis for many of my frustrations as an employee. In case you don’t know, large parts of Microsoft plan their work in 6-month increments, which we call “semesters”. Today, I’m announcing that they no longer exist—in fact, I will prohibit the use of the word “semester” entirely. This is your official warning: Teams calls will be monitored, and emails will be scanned.
The turning point that brought me to this decision was a “pre-planning” meeting that I had the joy of attending. Essentially, this was a meeting to discuss preparing for how to start making a plan for the next semester (yes, you might want to read that twice). The one engineer on the call had this look on his face that needed no explanation. It screamed “Why the hell am I here, and why are we having this meeting?”
This started turning some gears in my brain. I know that the scale of the company requires us to make plans, but I also know that reality catches up with these carefully crafted plans very quickly. New strategy memos from directors. A re-org. Critical bugs in our software. You get the point – all our plans go out the door. I figure a brute-force solution is best, and therefore “semesters” will no longer be spoken of in the new Microsoft. Some long-term goals are okay, but that’s where I draw the line.
Welcome, Ballmer-Bot.
With lunch, PMs, and semesters all addressed, I have another big issue to tackle. When I was a Microsoft employee, as I was slowly losing my will to remain in the job, I went from working 8, to 4, to 2 hours a day. To my surprise, the feedback I received before and after that didn’t change. “Keep up the good work.” “You’re adding a ton of value to the team.” “Rock on!”
I should have gotten criticized. I wasn’t doing great work. In fact, I wasn’t doing much work at all. Feedback, and especially constructive criticism, is a gift that is no longer given at Microsoft. So the question is, how do I bring it back?
I’m pleased to announce the “Ballmer-Bot”. This bot will be monitoring the work you do and giving you brutally honest feedback. In addition, the bot will have the executive power to take away your free lunch, in true Ballmer spirit. (For those who don’t know – Steve Ballmer was the Microsoft CEO before Satya. He didn’t quite take away free lunch, but that’s only because it wasn’t there to begin with.) In action, this bot might send you messages like this: “Have you read this document yourself? I’m an AI and even I have no clue what you’re saying!” Or: “This code could’ve been written by a college freshman, so why are we paying you to do it?”
Luckily, through all of this, your fellow colleagues will be there for moral support. If there’s anything Microsoft isn’t lacking, it’s friendly and supportive employees.
Some final matters of business
My grand plans for the company are almost complete, but I still have one more thing to address: working from home. Enough has been said about the whole remote work debate already, but this issue is personal to me as an early-in-career employee.
Entering the remote workforce straight out of college was a challenge. It’s near impossible to form connections over video calls. Bothering someone to ask for help over Teams is a much bigger barrier than just asking the person at the desk next to you. Virtual happy hours become an excuse to drink at home, alone, before 5pm. Besides, I absolutely despise food waste, and the newly instituted free lunch needs to be eaten. Therefore, as CEO, I’m forcing everyone to come back into the office at least 50% of the time. As unpopular as that may sound, I expect that soup, salads, and sandwiches will make this change pretty easy to digest.
That about sums it up. To all my employees: I know this is a lot of change, but it’s for the better. To process it all, go out and have a drink, and tomorrow, return to a brand-new Microsoft Corporation™.
PS: Microsoft execs, are you listening?
Sadly, I don’t think anyone with serious executive power at Microsoft will read this. That doesn’t really bother me, as the therapeutic value of simply writing this piece has already been satisfying enough. Writing this up means I’m putting an end to some of the deep-rooted frustrations I felt while working at Microsoft. It means that I can now leverage my learnings to build a better career for myself.
All that said, in case you know any high-level executives at Microsoft, please send this plan their way. It might be helpful for them to know about all these changes that are coming their way.
As a PM 2 at Microsoft, I suggest you file these changes as dependencies for next semester’s planning.
Congrats on the new role. 😎
Food for thought for Satya.